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Hey hi hello! If you're from Cohost, you're probably aware of the basics already, but just in case you're not -
Name: Julian/Jewel 💎
Age: 26
Pronouns: He/they
Gender & Orientation: Genderqueer, Bi
Big 3: Scorpio ☀️, Virgo 🌙, Cancer ☝️
Bio:
Modern Mystic, Tarot Reader, Hobbyist Writer, Hopeful Storyteller, General Creative
I kind of do a whole mix of things! To some degree, I'm still figuring out what I want to share and how I want to share it, but my current focuses are on spiritual work & the occult, personal development, and living as fully as possible with a disability.
I (try to!) do tarot readings twice a month for the New & Full moon, and I'm hoping to get more comfortable talking about my personal beliefs and practice. I've been passionate about personal development since starting to get my shit together in my early twenties. I have autism, ADHD, and C-PTSD, as well as Dysautonomia & ME/CFS, and all of these naturally have a significant impact on my life and how I navigate subjects like productivity and intentional living. People with disabilities are often left out of discussions on these topics, and I'd like to bridge the gap using my experiences.
Other Interests/Hobbies: Video Games, Music, Interior Design, Photo & Video editing, Drawing, Stationary, Making Lists, HTML now bitch !
Likes: ❤ Sushi ❤ Energy Drinks ❤ Music in the Rock-Metal range ❤ Horror, Simulation, & Roleplaying games ❤ Thrill Rides
Dislikes: ✖ Loud Noises ✖ Bell Peppers & Asparagus ✖ Math (I HAVE DYSCALCULIA!!! I HAVE AN EXCUSE!!!) ✖ Bugs up in my personal space ✖ The fact sleep is a necessity, and not just a fun pastime
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Sticky: ✨ Introduction
✨ 11-15-24: Full Moon In Taurus
Six of Cups ✧ Eight of Pentacles ✧ The Wheel of Fortune ✧ Eight of Cups
(Striked text means the card is reversed.)
Note: We are a little late again in between some fun health-related occurrences and life stuff, but I think moving forward I might be a bit more flexible with when I publish these readings anyway, at least the full moon ones for sure. There's always so much happening around this time of the month naturally, and that way if something comes up, it's more likely to just be business as usual rather than throwing me completely off. I'll still be rolling with the date of the actual moon to avoid unnecessary confusion, but yeah! Still thinking on it but deeply considering it and just wanted you all to know. Hope you enjoy the reading in the meantime!
We don't start out bitter, or afraid, or hopeless, nor do we start out with so little faith in ourselves or our future. As children, the possibilities often felt endless—and every day full of potential. At the same time we maintained hope looking forward, we also lived plenty in the moment. We explored, we played. We felt the grass underneath our feet and the warmth of the sun wrapping its arms around us. We dreamed and we created, as naturally as one might also breathe.
So what changed?
The potential list is a long one. In some ways the shift away from self-belief and creativity is a gradual process, chipped away at by unsolicited commentary and criticism, steady streams of negativity, painful life experiences. In other cases, we may be able to point to a handful or even just one single life event where everything felt like it changed overnight. There's been a theme throughout these readings to question your life's narrative, to face limiting beliefs and poor self-esteem and ask yourself honestly where it came from. Even when we have improvements to make, things are rarely so black and white. As we reach the end of the year and a period of reflection, some of the answers you seek and the change you wish to make will be found in asking yourself when, exactly, your innocence felt lost; and more importantly, what can you do about it?
How can you reconnect to the spontaneity, the creativity, the hopefulness you had when you were a child? Is there a specific project you have in mind that excites you, a specific person that brings out your more youthful side? Has anything captured your curiosity, made you hungry for something more? Have you set time aside to play, and to live, tapped into all of your senses? Could you try to dream again?
With the Six of Cups, It's a "fill your own cup" period, but what's needed most is a lighthearted approach to counteract the weight of the world. In times of struggle it's often the small things that remind us we're not just here, but alive. Taking care of your more immediate needs is, of course, important, especially right now; back to basics will still suit us all well. But the desire for comfort and for play aren't to be ignored or deemed less important.
We have the return of the Eight of Pentacles once again. This is a continuation of the process, a further tending to the seeds you've planted. We all start somewhere, and it's a steady process to grow what we desire to see. As you reclaim your youthful spirit, your sense of joy and sense of wonder, as you reclaim your ability and calling to create despite all odds, you will reclaim your personal power—another resurfacing theme with the two eights in this draw.
The Wheel of Fortune is always turning whatever direction it will. The world will continue to spin and life will continue to happen no matter what. Change is inevitable, and not always is it good, much less desired; but it still simply is. Cherish what you have. Accept change as it comes as a reality, and face it head on, the bad and the good. Know that whatever way the wheel is turning, it is impermanent; the hard times are not forever, and this is not all there is. On a more personal note, it may be time to evaluate whether you're still resistant to change in your life, and why. If you've been holding onto a belief, a mindset, a past event, or a relationship that needs to be let go, or you find yourself grasping desperately for a sense of control to your detriment, you could be the one guiding the direction of The Wheel.
The warning at this point in time comes from the Eight of Cups. It is important to not lean too far into escapism, as tempting as it might be. We're asked to hope and to dream, but we should keep our feet planted firmly on the ground simultaneously. We can't appreciate the beauty this life has to offer, or create what we hope to see out of it, if we let ourselves drift away and become numb to our surroundings. Make sure your current existence is grounded in reality, and in the here and now. It is also vital to ensure that the things you do and how you spend your time are actually benefitting you. Don't ignore the part of you that knows what you're doing to be harmful. Every part of the future is crafted in the present. To quote Marcus Aurelius, "What we do now echoes in eternity." Make it count.
We can't control other people, or the world at large. We can't enact wide-scale change overnight, and even shifts in our own personal lives we maintain more direct control over take time. But we can choose how we handle whatever challenges may come, and how we will live in spite of it all. We can choose what our next steps will be and what we believe in. We can choose love—whether it's love for the people that keep us moving forward, love for the beauty we do see in the world, love for the things we value and admire, love for who we are and what we feel put here to do—we can choose love and we can let it serve as a spark for revolution.
Related Songs: The Faustian Spirit by Eidola, To Know What's Real by Eidola, Loti by Eidola, The Purpose We Find In Our Voices by Eidola, Unequivocal Nature by Eidola
Credits: Sun & Moon divider by Saradika over on tumblr, deck is the Sacred Rose Tarot by Johanna Gargiulo-Sherman.
If this reading resonated with you, please share my work with others if you feel called to do so. :] I don't have my kofi set up yet for tips, but if you want to show appreciation please consider a donation to Translifeline, an organization that provides a hotline service and grants for things like name changes for the trans community.
✨ 11-01-24: New Moon In Scorpio
Seven of Pentacles ✧ Three of Pentacles ✧ Nine of Cups ✧ The Lovers
(Striked text means the card is reversed.)
A little late again, sorry! But still relevant. Just need to work on getting myself on a proper schedule in the coming months.
As this new cycle begins, there's a need to ground ourselves in the here and the now, to spend less time upset about what may have happened in the past, or worrying and fretting about how the future is to unfold. Reflection serves a point, as does having goals we wish to work towards—but neither matter if you remain frozen where you are, afraid you'll never be enough, afraid you'll never make up for or recover from what's behind you.
You may have recently asked yourself what the point is. Maybe you've missed or have yet to see tangible results from your work, or you figure everything is for naught anyway. Why enter a relationship if there's a chance it will end prematurely? Why take care of yourself if you believe you're just going to drop the ball somewhere down the line? Why communicate if you're used to being misunderstood? Why reach out if you're used to being ignored?
Change and growth are processes. They take time and steady commitment. You know you can't plant a seed and expect flowers to be blooming from the same spot the next day. You know canyons weren't sculpted in a week. Why do you expect personal growth, a skill, a project, or a relationship to meet the desired result instantaneously?
When it's a matter of getting ahead of yourself, and anticipating a loss, or a fall: Is the beauty of spring and summer any less because their beauty is impermanent? There are memories to make, lessons to learn, conversations to have, songs to sing, warmth to soak up. Endings or the occasional stumble do not change what once was. Maybe happiness isn't permanent, but neither is sadness. Neither is despair. You have to look at the bigger picture, consider your life like a woven tapestry. Every thread an experience, every thread making up the whole; all that you've been, all that you are, all that you will be or could be. You just need to start weaving.
It's time to take what you've learned thus far and implement it. With the appearance of The Lovers, just as last time this may have to do with an act of rebalancing, or with a relationship. It may be time to reexamine what it is you value and why, and what choices you can make to align with those values. Particularly relevant is anything that might've come to mind if you happened to read last month's new moon reading in Libra. As a major arcana, this is long term energy. Do not expect a shift overnight, but with time and commitment.
Material matters are of significance with two cards from the pentacles suit. Tangible steps are most powerful this month. Tending your health by making adjustments to diet or beginning exercise, tending your appearance by keeping up with your hygiene or getting a haircut or finding clothes you feel more comfortable in, exploring your mind and your feelings through music, through journaling, and enriching all of these spheres through your senses; all are options to consider. It's just important that no matter what you do, you do something, preferably something you can see or sense a difference from, even if small. Small wins are still wins, and might help give you motivation to keep moving forward.
With the Nine of Cups is an indication you have everything you need to make these changes. You may find it helpful to take account of what you do have, and what is going right, especially in the moments of experience. This can be in the form of more one-off gratitude lists, but a gratitude journaling practice overall will likely be the most beneficial. When you note how nice the sun felt on a given day, or someone's company you enjoyed, the good meal you made or how much better you felt after getting a shower, it's harder to miss all the small things that make life worth living
Related Songs: Loti by Eidola, Trust Love by Jeff & Casey Lee Williams, Know Where I Belong by Varia, Wilt by Holding Absence, Bloom Of Mice & Men
Credits: Sun & Moon divider by Saradika over on tumblr, deck is the Sacred Rose Tarot by Johanna Gargiulo-Sherman.
If this reading resonated with you, please share my work with others if you feel called to do so. :] I don't have my kofi set up yet for tips, but if you want to show appreciation or maybe give me a late birthday gift, please consider donating to a Palestinian family or individual in need or helping to buy eSIMS.
✨ 10-17-24: Full Moon In Aries
Eight of Swords ✧ The Moon ✧ Ace of Swords
(Striked text means the card is reversed.)
I highly, highly recommend checking out the New Moon reading from this month if you haven't already, as it's, naturally, deeply connected to this one. This reading also includes a mini pick-a-card at the very bottom under the toggles!
It's easy, especially in this day and age, to get caught up in helplessness, to feel trapped and bound by the state of our lives and the world at large. Everywhere we look it feels like there are constant reminders of the things we cannot control, a sense that there's nothing we can do to fix any of it; no power to fix the planet and the injustices that plague it, no power to fix our personal circumstances, no power to fix ourselves.
Maybe we are limited in some manner. After all, one singular person, crying alone in their room, cannot stop a war or heal the planet or fix their government. When it comes to our personal lives, there are a seemingly never-ending amounts of complicating factors: Finances. Obligations. Physical & mental health. Our environment. The people around us and occasionally the company we deliberately keep. Any item on this list, alone or bunched together, can put a heavy strain on you and leave you feeling stuck in place, or like you're fighting against the current trying to turn your life around. Even when taking steps, it's rare we have the opportunity to repair things immediately, and some seasons of life are rougher than others.
It's important to remember right now that no matter what has you bound, no matter what breaks your heart and leaves you feeling hopeless or ineffective, you have power. You may not be able to move a mountain, but you can climb it. You can look for an existing pathway up. You can go around it, or go in another direction entirely. You can go and climb a hill instead.
No matter the circumstance, your perception is distorted and that naturally discourages you. The world is not just draped in darkness, you're blindfolded, and that blindfold can be removed. You may very well be trapped, but it's possible to feel your way out of what confines you in order to take action.
If some of your hurt involves the state of the world around you, think about what you tangibly can accomplish, alone and or with the help of others. Can you financially contribute to a cause? If you can't, can you put your talents to good use to support that cause, raise awareness, help to fundraise? There's volunteer work, there's political action. It may mean the most right now to contribute directly to your community in some way, where you can see a more clear result from your efforts. You can do that in conjunction with whatever efforts you wish to put towards global or nationwide issues. When it comes to the earth specifically, If you've had the feeling to look more into low-waste and sustainable living, gardening, steadily phasing out what single-use items you can in your life with reusable versions, or co-existing better with creatures that may make you uncomfortable, like bugs, this is your sign to take action relating to that.
If it's personal circumstances, consider what you do have control over. How can you work within the limits that exist, bend them, possibly even break their confines? Consider the spare time you have, even just the little moments, and how you could better make use of it. Consider how you care for your body; what you put in it, if there's any way for you to improve that, how you groom it, how you decorate it and feel comfortable in your skin. Consider your space, or what little nooks and crannies and belongings you can consider your own, how you can claim or reclaim them. Consider your creativity and how you've been longing to express it. Make a list of everything you can change, even just a little bit, and consider how you can be a flower sprouting through the cracks of the concrete
Chances are as we've approached this full moon your intuition has been pulling you in the right direction, trying to turn your attention to what needs to be addressed, or what might make you feel better. Right now, you may be listening, and just trying to figure out how to handle things or take your first step. You may come to realize the biggest limiting factor of all has been your self-doubt and feeling like you don't deserve happiness or success, or are not capable of finding it or manifesting it through action, in which that first singular step can mean the world. You may be trying to look away, but you're starting to realize you can't for much longer. Denial doesn't make reality less real. It's time to face the situation head on. Let the light illuminate all that lies in the dark.
Numerology-wise in this reading, first we have #8: a number that represents balance, infinite potential, and empowerment. Here it's represented in the Eight of Swords by a woman exercising her power by freeing herself from the swords that have her trapped, even as she cries, even as her hair conceals her vision. She still reaches out and carefully removes each blade one by one. It's also not the only 8 we've seen this cycle, going back to the Eight of Pentacles, a card in this particular deck represented by a man exercising his power by planting seeds, ones he will continue to tend until they grow to maturity, just like all else he's taken it upon himself to grow in the past.
The act of planting seeds is a detail relevant to the appearance of the Ace of Swords in this reading. The Aces in each suit are card #1: a number that represents beginnings and independence. The Ace of Swords is a seed like any other ace. It must be planted or it may represent something you are planting. It must be tended to maturity, or it represents something you will see out until your labor inevitably bears fruit. Somewhere, amidst the chaos, confusion, pain—there's clarity to be found. A new idea. A new beginning. A chance to cut through the fog in your mind. Plant it. Breathe life into it.
In the center, we have The Moon, card #18 in the major arcana. It's as if the Ace of Swords and the Eight of swords have met. A breakthrough spurs action, and a chance to release what has held you down for so long. Number 18, a number of self-determination. All in all, this full moon brings the illumination that was referenced back in the new moon reading. You can no longer hide what you may wish to avoid, or look away from, but you do have a chance to reclaim your power by addressing it all and finally moving forward. The past cannot be changed. The present and future can be crafted the moment you choose to do so.
It's okay if there's still some confusion, it's okay to feel lost. It's okay to be afraid, to be messy, to be human; and it will also be OK. You will be ok, but you can't rely on anyone else or some miracle or lucky break to save you. While we are social creatures, while we need connection, there are some things only you possess the ability to release yourself from. Think about the things you're afraid of, the things that keep you up at night, the things that scare you straight back to the past. Write them down. Why are you afraid of them? How can you face them? How can you address them from this point forward, in ways big and small? How are you going to handle that mountain?
Related Songs: Are You Ready to Live? by Dream State, You Are the Moon by The Hush Sound, Wonders by Envoi, What Are You Waiting For by Beartooth
Credits: Sun & Moon divider by Saradika over on tumblr, deck is the Sacred Rose Tarot by Johanna Gargiulo-Sherman. Pick a card decks: Stellar Visions Oracle by Stephanie Gailing and Sosha Davis, Moonology Oracle Cards by Yasmin Boland and Nyx Rowan.
If this reading resonated with you, please share my work with others if you feel called to do so. :] I don't have my kofi set up yet for tips, but if you want to show appreciation or maybe give me an early birthday gift, please consider donating to a Palestinian family or individual in need or helping to buy eSIMS.
Pick-A-Card
The below pick-a-card is to essentially just get a little bit of insight on what some of this current energy might be about for you, or if there's a lot going on, what the main theme or focus is.
If you've never done one of these before, it's simple! Just roll with whatever stack / card / trinket / representation of each group you find yourself gravitating towards. If you feel called to more than one, that's fine, check 'em all out! If none of them capture your attention, that's fine too, this particular reading may just not be for you.
For best results, If you want, it could help to meditate first, or take a few deep breaths. Depending on your beliefs, you may also choose to ask for guidance from what or whoever it is you trust in. When you're ready, just expand the below toggle, and then expand the toggle for whichever group(s) you pick.
Pick-a-Card
Description:
Three small sets of cards are laid out on a pink, celestial themed cloth with a golden sun and stars. From left to right, you have: Group A - Amber, featuring a darker, small heart-shaped piece of earthy, honey-hued amber. Group B - Tiger's Eye, featuring a piece of the bronze and dark brown striped quartz, with it's signature luster. Group C - Green Aventurine, featuring a small chunk of the soft green, fuchsite-infused quartz with a deeper green shade in the center, and a noticeable touch of milky white.
In Summary: Your confidence may be rising at this moment, or you're seeking to improve it. You're partially being asked right now to remember who you are, to be proud of it, own it, let the world see the light that shines within you. The key to all of this is much more practical than you may think. Consider the things that light you up, that give you vitality, the work you do or effort you put in that feels rewarding. Maybe it's helping people. Maybe it's working on a creative project, large or small. Maybe it's putting yourself out there, in a leadership position, as a host, or just being more sociable. It doesn't necessarily have to be anything that aligns with your "purpose" either, though it can be; just anything that gets you excited that you love, that connects you to yourself will serve you right now well enough. Just make sure it involves some sort of tangible action. If you're already working on this, take this as confirmation you're on just the right path. Your Song Offering: Aura by VUKOVI
Group A: Amber
Description:
Three cards are laid out on the same pink cloth from before. From left to right, you have: New moon in Capricorn - Your hard work is paying off, from the Moonology deck. Sun - Radiance from the Stellar Visions deck. And finally Full moon in Cancer from the Moonology deck - A personal issue reaches resolution.
In Summary: Do not downplay your worth and what you have to offer. Whether you can catch a glimpse of it or not right now, there's a spark within you, begging to be let out to burn bright. When will you take it upon yourself to strike the flame? The bottom line is this: You have everything you need, and you are everything you need to be. There may still be plenty of work ahead, so even more reason to start somewhere now. As the Full Moon in Taurus card indicates, you do need to do some mapping out of your journey, sure. But you also have to take that first step sometime. Make your plans with the focused intent of pursuing what you've put off, in any way you can right now, in this moment, rather than dreaming up ideas and concepts you have no plans to actively commit to anytime soon, that you hold at a distance. We all have to start somewhere. Often that's not with the skill level we wish we had, the most expensive equipment, or everything needed on hand to ensure the highest possible quality. But we can improve along the way. The best way to learn is to do. Your Song Offering: A Fire On A Hill by Hands Like Houses
Group B: Tiger's Eye
Description:
Three cards are laid out on the same pink cloth from before. From left to right, you have: Full Moon in Taurus - Your dreams need a practical plan, from the Moonology deck. Second House - Resources from the Stellar Visions deck. And finally Cardinal Moon from the Moonology deck - Be bold and make the first move.
In Summary: You have to be honest with yourself, and with your future or current partner, if you want to build something that lasts. You ended up with 4 cards - the odd one out compared to the other two groups that got 3. In numerology, 4 is a number associated with stability, with hard, steady work, and with the building of sturdy foundations. You may be in an existing partnership that's taking a more serious tone, that's at a turning point. You may be in a newer partnership or interested in someone and you want it to be something long-term and special. In any case, you're keeping something to yourself, or refusing to acknowledge a concern or personal issue that's impacting the relationship or inevitably will. There's a need to identify and communicate so you can deal with all of this now. Are the two of you on the same page in regards to what you want in life or out of the relationship? Do your lifestyles and dreams fit together? Have they done something that upsets or hurts you, but that you feel like you're simply overreacting to, so you keep it quiet and let it fester? Is there a risk of co-dependency, resentment, avoidance, do one of you act as a doormat? If it's a more personal issue with the chance of impacting things, perhaps you're afraid of even looking at it long enough to acknowledge it, or don't know how to change or if you even can change. With the presence of Chiron it may relate to a deep wound you've carried for much of your life, previous trauma. Are you letting yourself even listen to what you need in a relationship? You have to learn to accept and value yourself and your needs for this to work in the long-term.
Group C: Green Aventurine
Description:
Four cards are laid out on the same pink cloth from before. From left to right, you have: New Moon in Libra - A new romantic cycle begins, from the Moonology deck. Juno - Partnership and Chiron - Healing from the Stellar Visions deck. And finally New Moon in Gemini from the Moonology deck - Communication is key. Note: You got an extra Stellar Visions card! Which is fairly appropriate I believe considering the theme of this group. :]
Your Song Offering: Closer by Makari, All That I Can Give by The Plot In You
October 2024 - Picking Up Pieces, Spiritual Practices & Samhain, and Website Rambles
Halloween is basically here, and so is my first personal Just Vibing blog post.
Little Updates
✦ I made a strawpage! you can use this to send me any questions & comments, or even doodles. Eventually, learn more about me in general as I build onto the site. I had a lot of fun crafting it! I feel as far as site-builders go, while carrd is a bit more user-friendly, and it's easier to make sure elements align properly, I appreciate the informality of Strawpage greatly and using it felt more like scrapbooking. It has a lot of charm, and even allows you to craft websites on your phone if you don't have access to a computer. Anyway, you can find my strawpage right here: https://julianember.straw.page
✦ My birthday is this month on the 26th! I didn't really get to do much to celebrate last year, so I'm excited to try and make up for that. Current plans since it's on a Saturday are to make it a 3 day weekend sort of deal. Friday there's the local gem show I like going to, then actual day of there's a Halloween vendor event with a lot witchy stuff we found out about by accidentally walking into it one year instead of the gem show. Sushi and other favorite foods are also often a staple. Sunday... will be for simply chilling and eating all my treats. I usually also do a little spa day/week right before. All in all lots to look forward to.
✦ I'm currently playing around with xtiles, an app along similar lines to Notion. Unfortunately, it shares some of Notion's weaknesses, namely not being local & having no offline mode. When it comes to strengths, it seems much more like a workspace over a wiki. Tasks are much easier to keep track of, and it's more limited & thus simpler than Notion while still allowing a fair amount of customization. This makes it possibly much better for productivity if you're the type that's always found Notion too overwhelming, or that spends probably way too much time trying to make the perfect layout. I like it so far! But I'm still very much in the experimentation phase, so that's all I have to say for now.
✦ I've joined the alpha/pre-alpha for the website league! Since it hasn't officially launched yet, I have no links for you at this time, but stay tuned.
✦ Currently watching playthroughs of the Silent Hill 2 remake, and I have thoughts... :-) probably expect my first gaming long post in the near future. Other things I'm working on: A post about self-love, and a more practical post about meeting your needs which you might get an idea of when I reference it below.
✦ I'd like to start doing blog roundups, even if I'm not posting weekly. To start off, here's some I've enjoyed since I got my RSS feed set up: Online Community by eladnarra, art programs (pt 1: my mains) by platinumtulip, we live in internet hell by alyaza, website thoughts by ant.computer
✦ On Repeat: 1. //In Reflection (a beautiful song about grief), 2. ATTN, 3. Slow Bloom, 4. Perdidos, 5. Halcyon
Getting back in the swing of things
For much of this year, my brain has felt like mush. I'm not sure if that's how it was destined to be, or if the first five months being insanely stressful just heavily inspired me to want to do fuck all, but a lot of things have fallen to the wayside. I'd like to pick them back up as best I can.
Most important is a desperate need to get back to basics. My routine has been practically nonexistent since my hysterectomy. I've fallen off medications, ceased healthy eating for the most part, managed to get my (already admittedly poor) sleeping schedule even weirder... I recently picked up The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn R. Schiraldi, as while my self-esteem feels leagues better than it did in my teenage years or early twenties, I could feel I was getting a bit down on myself again. I have a bit of a history with the book, having read excerpts from it before as part of an outpatient program. I always see that period of my life as the point where I started picking up pieces of myself and putting them back together, and I was hoping going back to the ~beginning of my journey in some way would help me reconnect with myself more deeply.
The start, naturally, puts a lot of stress on healthy eating, exercise, and sleep—encouraging the reader to make a plan to improve on these things and commit for 14 days. To be entirely honest I was about to just skip ahead because I'm insanely impatient, but the fact of the matter is taking care of your most basic needs and having a routine to do so is foundational work. It can feel tedious, but without it, any other plans will cave in eventually. Begrudgingly, I accepted that I should probably hold off from moving forward until I was meeting my base needs more consistently, especially when some of my current issues are around my appearance; which, in all fairness, a lot of the bigger changes we may desire take time, but also yeah you're going to feel gross if depression has you struggling to stay as clean as you'd like, or causes you to not put as much care into how you dress. I'll probably make a whole post on "returning to the basics" at a later date, but for now I'm just trying to focus on small steps. Basic stretches and an alarm going off every hour as a cue to get up and move some. Getting back to making proper grocery lists/some light meal planning. Making sure I stay up no longer than 16 hours and... probably working towards a rough sleeping schedule, as much as I hate keeping one. Of course, I also intend to start taking my meds consistently again, and I realized recently I need to start small there too and focus on taking what was going to have the most profound effect: my antidepressants. Ideally I'd also like to get back into my skincare routine, and maybe return to daily meditation, or just practice it in what still, quiet moments I can, like while I'm waiting for my testosterone to dry.
Getting back in the swing of things (Spiritual practices version)
Another thing I've fallen out of are my spiritual practices, for the most part. I've still done things here and there, but it's definitely not consistent. However, I can feel the energy picking up this month and it feels like a sort of "coming home" moment. I'm starting with tuning back into moon cycles, as well as trying to get back into my collective readings. Feeling good about being able to help people with my work in the past aside, realizing how connected we all are and remembering I'm not necessarily alone in what I'm going through is one of the most significant ways I've been able to tap in to the energy around me in the world. I want to make it a habit to use my cards again on a routine and journal with them, rather than just breaking them out when I have a question. I mentioned meditation already, which is just as beneficial for my spiritual health as it is my mental health. I also have plans for Samhain this year.
I don't go to cemeteries often. The one most of my family is buried at isn't necessarily far away but it's not close by either, and I've never really felt like it's actually any sort of resting place for my loved ones. I feel them around me everywhere I go, so why would it be a place I have to visit, as they don't live there? However, since last year, I've had the feeling to make it a point to visit specifically on the 31st. I didn't get to actually go previously as I was busy having a grand time healing from getting 4 teeth extracted (would NOT recommend multiple tooth extraction the day after your birthday, Worst Mistake Of My Life) but it didn't feel as pressing then as it does now. A large part of it isn't even about connecting with my family, but feeling the surrounding energy, sensing and communing with other spirits that do wander there. It's a gift I possess I haven't tapped into as much and have honestly been afraid to, which is part of the point I believe in having this calling now. A few intense experiences in the past have left me weary and nervous of anything I don't immediately recognize, and now it's time to move on from that and get reasonably comfortable.
At the same time, I'm not in an environment I feel fully comfortable in. That's just in general, but naturally it's extended to my Samhain celebrations. I can't set up a silent supper fully how I'd like. I don't have the privacy to feel entirely comfortable communing with my loved ones, and as I'm around someone who has a judgmental attitude towards this sort of thing, I'm always at least a little bit worried they're going to barge in as they're prone to doing and make some sort of negative comment. While I don't feel like my loved ones are really tied to a cemetery, cemeteries serve a purpose. They give our grief a refuge. They're a safe place to reflect, remember, and reminisce, and there's power in the rituals we practice within them. Cleaning a headstone, decorating a plot for holidays, leaving flowers and various trinkets, all acts of love we show for those we can no longer take care of in the traditional ways.
I hold closely the sentiment of "Be in the world but not of it." While I believe there's things in life that can leave us lost and off track if we lose sight of what's important, I've never been the type to disregard the here and the now, the purpose in the material realm. I don't think all of this is for nothing, or just some sort of obstacle, I think life on this earth is a sacred and precious thing worth honoring, appreciating, fully experiencing. At the same time, I suppose I subtly disregarded how important these acts could be based on some of my beliefs. Maybe my loved ones don't reside there, but if I don't feel like I can honor them comfortably in my current residence, It's a place I can meet them, leave an offering, share a meal in the form of a picnic. I'll have to go during the day, which is a bit different than my usual 12am Nov. 1st celebrations, but I think the timing will be good enough.
Future of the Webbed Site
I made my neocities in a bit of a rush, using a template since while I could have gone for coding something super simple from scratch, I'm a bit of a maximalist and that better enabled me to be one. There's a few things I'm not entirely happy with though, the main one being how narrow the main section is. Generally, it's fine, but with longer posts it feels too squished, especially with the sidebars being blank and taking up a good chunk of space. I could technically just widen it, but then I'd also have to make adjustments to my header and navigation bar, and the thought of that feels like it'd be more annoying than just making something that suits me better from scratch; which is what I kind of wanted to do anyway. (I'm really glad I went with a template though as I feel fiddling with it helped me understand html & css much better)
I'm currently playing with different layouts in Figma. Coding them, obviously, will be an entirely different matter, but it's nice to think about what I specifically want and why I want that. Currently, I know for sure I want to move my little updates section to the main part of my homepage so I don't have to update it every time on every single page, and I'd like to add scrolling. I like the sidebars, but I want to make them smaller, and give them more purpose by moving the navigation to one side above my links. Unfortunately for me I also want to keep the recent posts on them which means I'll be updating my sidebars on every page each time I make a new post, but sometimes we must suffer for our art. Why not test my will a little bit. I'd also like to cut it and add a featured posts section eventually, or on individual blog pages make it "related" posts, but that'll be a while when I have a decent backlog of posts I want to link. One additional change I also want to make is having the sidebars be fixed, with the main section scrollable instead. That way, there's not the empty space on the sides.
Better accessibility is also on the radar. A bigger main section is a part of that, along with bigger text. stainandco over on Cohost before it went read-only made a post with links for better website accessibility I'll likely be pouring over throughout the month. I'm not sure if things like light and dark modes are doable without JS, but I figure whatever little changes I can manage will help. Honestly, part of the plan too is making my site more accessible for myself! I did go a little crazy here and there just having fun, so it'll be nice to clean things up a bit and make my cyber sanctum a little more usable, as best as I can without sacrificing the creative touches I do love.
That's all from me for now, but I do plan on trying to make monthly updates like this in the future! I might not always have as much to say, but I'm sure I can find something. One reason for this is it's become clear to me that part of touching others, and helping them through whatever they may be going through, lies in sharing my own footsteps. With any luck, sooner or later, someone'll find a little gem hidden in what I might see as mundane.
✨ 10-02-24 New Moon In Libra + Solar Eclipse Reading
The Lovers ✧ Eight of Pentacles ✧ Nine of Swords
(Striked text means the card is reversed.)
A moon in Libra is always a good opportunity to contemplate how we can bring a sense of balance back to our lives. As we go through different seasons, fluctuation is only natural; leaving the scales askew. Straightening them out will mean analyzing where you've fallen off, where you've overindulged. For some this will involve getting back into a steady rhythm of taking care of yourself after neglecting your needs due to depression, stress, a particularly busy period, or all three. It may mean returning to work or a project after a period of focusing on just those basics. For many, this will mean re-aligning your actions with your values, double-checking that your values themselves even align with how you feel in the present, or whether you've borrowed them from somebody else.
The appearance of The Lovers hammers the message in further, as it speaks to harmony alike what you will find in equilibrium, in alignment; it speaks to choices we may be asked to make, especially in prioritization; It speaks to our values. Are you truly married to what you believe in? How can you commit, or better commit, to those beliefs?
Dualities are of special significance: Light and dark, life and death, love and hate. Dualities that feed into each other, can't exist without one another, may exist with only a fine line of division. A shadow cannot be cast without a source of light. The death and decay of something once living will inevitably serve the growth of brand new, burgeoning life. What dualities exist within you? In which way is the scale leaning? Do you expect yourself or your life to be nothing but "good" all the time, or see either as nothing but "bad"? How can you see the shades of grey between the black and white? We can see duality even in the second and third cards pulled in this reading.
The Eight of Pentacles is upright, and it is earthly, grounded, in the realm of the material. It is a card all about planting seeds, and slowly and steadily nurturing growth, committing to labor you know you will one day harvest the fruits of. On the flipside, the Nine of Swords is reversed, and as a part of the swords suit it is of the mind. Its associated element is air, and it deals more-so with your thoughts, with your attitude. This card itself, especially reversed, is about deep inner turmoil, negativity, and often anxiety—and being part of the suit of swords, the source of this pain is housed within our own darker thoughts or distorted mindsets, in the painful secrets or fears we bury in the depths. It is home to all the skeletons we're afraid to dig up, all the things in the dark we're afraid of the light illuminating.
It's worth it to ask yourself how you can shift your mindset for the better, and use your experiences to learn and to grow. You may have hurt someone deeply, but at any moment you could seize the realization of that as a chance to change. Someone may have hurt you deeply, but in reflecting on your experiences, you may be able to glimpse a familiar pattern you've let play out in all your relationships. You may be able to find compassion, seeing their pain crystal clear, or you may find it mirrors your own, giving you insight into your emotions, fears, and overall psyche, as we may often know ourselves by knowing another.
Sometimes the problem is less how we've let ourselves perceive something, and more the fact we don't let ourselves perceive it at all. It's easier to let the pain lie in the dirt, buried and unseen, than to dig it up and examine it. Grief may need to be felt, a hard truth may need to be acknowledged. Something you've been holding onto may need to be allowed to end. Be mindful of how a fear of death, a fear of change, or a fear of being alone may be controlling you and feeding in to your worst thoughts and impulses. Let your tears water what you hope to grow, and let the harmony of The Lovers marry your light and your dark.
Libra and The Lovers both have heavy association with relationships. There is something to note about your existing relations, whether they be with others or your own relationship with yourself. Painful lessons or experiences now or in the past can color your perceptions harshly, making it hard for you to see the love or good that does exist in the world, or the light that exists within yourself.
You may feel as if you are uniquely bad compared to others or that you and you alone are failing—that everyone else is whole while you lay broken, everyone moves forward while you fall behind, everyone shines brilliantly while you burn to ash and blow away with the wind; but to be human is to be afflicted. The pain you own is not a burden you're carrying all on your lonesome. Suffering is often a private affair, so it's easy to feel alone in your pain, but you must know that every ounce of it you feel is shared with someone out there in some manner. Often it is shared with people you would look up to, or even be inclined to believe have it all figured out. You are not an island, and you are not broken beyond repair.
There are three main ways you may face & deal with any intense feelings that might bubble up during this lunar cycle:
Part of the balancing at this time is going to involve letting go, or have something to do with something you've let go, or will let go eventually. That may mean a relationship left behind. Long-term fears or pain finally let slip from your grasp. Problems or projects left on the back-burner or simply forgotten in prioritization. Replacing harmful habits with healthier ones.
The moon will help to illuminate, providing the clarity you need in order to know what to release. Just remember through the process that it takes time to grow, and for now just planting the seed and/or tending to what you've already planted may be more than enough.
Related Songs: Burial Plot (Acoustic) by Dayseeker, There's Fear In Letting Go by I Prevail, Jesus Christ by Brand New, Querents by Eidola, Burial Season by Our Hollow, Our Home, Know Where I Belong by Varia, Grave Warden by Our Hollow, Our Home
Credits: Sun & Moon divider by Saradika over on tumblr, deck is the Sacred Rose Tarot by Johanna Gargiulo-Sherman
If this reading resonated with you, please share my work with others if you feel called to do so. :] I don't have my kofi set up yet for tips, but I do have a deck wishlist for new Tarot/Oracle decks + tools, as well as a Quality of Life wishlist for making my current living situation a little easier to cope with!
More Mindful Internet NOW - A Cohost Eulogy
You can also find this post over on my website.
Everyone's writing a eulogy for Cohost, so I figure writing my own might be a good way to both pay my respects and kick off my new web journey. I won't be focusing on problems Cohost had here, mainly because I wasn't particularly active during a lot of it, and partly because other people have done the topic more justice than I ever could. I'd recommend reading both Alyaza's Cohost Eulogy as well as their post on Racism on Cohost for more on that.
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From the very moment I found out about Cohost's existence, I valued the philosophy behind it.
With Twitter going downhill fast, and the future of Tumblr always being somewhat uncertain as an Unprofitable Website™, plenty of alternatives have been proposed or popped up over the years, but none caught my interest quite the same as Cohost did, nor did they make me as genuinely excited.
It was nice to be able to exist on the modern internet somewhere for a while without being seen as just a dollar sign, and to be able to use a product founded on values that aligned with my own, where I didn't have to worry about what was done with my data, how workers were being treated, where there was actual interest in the wellbeing of the users that flocked to it.
There is one thing in particular I'm eternally grateful to Cohost for, and that's the strong stance that's been maintained against dark patterns, such as the lack of infinite scrolling & the choice to leave numbers out of the experience. The lack of notes in particular has been at least moderately controversial. It was seemingly one of the top complaints I saw over and over again from outsiders uncertain about the site. I was in the camp that there could have been some improvements when it came to keeping track of shared posts with additions, but overall it was a choice I wish other alternatives would adopt, as I believe it to be significantly better for mental health and creativity. I know it was for mine.
These decisions encouraged me to be more mindful when I used Cohost, and I recall that being a sentiment I saw often among the large wave I joined with.
My main social media sites for the longest time have been Tumblr & Twitter. Tumblr has managed to stick around, even with all its flaws, for good reason—I can't be too harsh on a site that's been my internet home since I was 14, and I've met a lot of lovely people on there over the years, as well as some of my favorite artists. With the death of Cohost, I'd say it's likely still one of the better social media options out there, as unfortunate as that might be. My relationship with Twitter is, well, more strained than that. I obviously use the site but these days it's mainly because people I like keeping up with on there haven't moved yet. I do however like microblogging and had plenty of fun on there over the years, keeping to my circle and using Tweetdeck.
But Twitter, even at it's best and before Elon let it deteriorate into a far-right pile of sludge, is so fast-paced and overstimulating. Tumblr is significantly less so, but for most of the years I've been on the site I followed way too many people, which resulted in a faster-moving dash and often losing track of who I was following, what they were up to, etc. Even with a new blog now, and a much smaller and curated following list, the infinite scrolling remains a problem for a brain that loves distraction, and there's a distinct lack of intimacy compared to what I got used to on Cohost; Not only is it easier to feel lonely on larger sites, but it seems like there's actually very few people I follow that share much more other than the occasional few paragraphs about their lives, if even that. More often, it's a sentence or two.
Cohost was a nice change of pace. Despite the lack of profile customization, you could often learn so much from viewing someone's page. People shared the work of others, but they often didn't shy away from sharing their own as well, or just loudly existing as themselves. As Alyaza put it in the eulogy linked above:
more than anything: i will miss the one-stop-shop nature of Cohost, where it seemed like you could read about anything someone wanted to put their time toward on any given day.
Maybe the intimacy factor would have changed had the site been able to keep growing. To some degree, I don't think so, because I believe the philosophy the site was founded on meant most of the people that gravitated towards it and stayed were other folk that believed in the mission, that were somewhat fed up with modern social media, who tended to like to read and make longer posts, and really wanted to *connect* with the people they were following. I cared about how everyone I followed was doing. I cared about what adventures they might be on, what insights they recently had, what their current obsessions consisted of, I wasn't just sticking around for whatever it is they may be re-sharing.
I feel the lack of visible notes and numbers likewise encouraged users to truly make it their own corner of the web, with little regard for other's opinions. Some people would say they want numbers because how else are they supposed to know whether people like their work or not? To me, that's exactly why I say good riddance. If you could get over the initial insecurity of not knowing, or lacking the constant stream of validation you've learned to expect from other social media, there was a chance to reconnect yourself with whatever you were sharing and *why* exactly you wanted to share it in the first place, because I'm sure most of us didn't take on creative endeavors simply because we wanted attention. Cohost uplifted me as a creative by reminding me of that, getting my mind off the numbers, and helping me realize again what truly mattered to me in my work.
The lack of a perceived popularity contest helped as well. There were users you could tell were more popular when you saw their posts around everywhere, sure, but I feel like the lack of notes destroyed the type barrier you'd have interacting with these people on any other social media site, and I know I never felt nervous sharing with an addition like I would on say, Tumblr, where it's seen as a faux pas to comment on a stranger's post, sometimes even when it's in the spirit of that post. Likewise, the lack of notes also meant less popular users or posts were treated more equally and given a chance, getting around the phenomenon on social media where a low amount of shares or likes might mean someone doesn't give you the time of day.
All of this I feel helped create an environment where people felt more comfortable being authentic, just themselves on the site. I know I felt like I could be myself on Cohost, though I also know that's unfortunately not an experience everyone got to have to the same extent, and I hope any future sites that try to take Cohost's place learn from its mistakes.
I didn't use Cohost as much as I would have liked to, but I enjoyed what time I did spend on there, and using the site has made me really think about what I want from any future social media I use, as well as how I use the internet in general. I want to be as mindful as possible, approaching everything with great intention. I want less overwhelming amounts of information, more true connection with the people I follow or watch. I want to be aware of world events, but without being caught up in an endless barrage of horrible news that leaves me feeling powerless. I want to do my best to cut out or limit the extent to which modern web design tries to fuck with my brain. I'm hoping setting up an RSS feed, maintaining my site—my own little corner just like Cohost was—and giving Dreamwidth a go is a good start, and that maybe I can eventually replace what I'm used to using with things that have a more positive impact on me. Or, at least, limit my usage to a point where it's significantly more healthy.
A final thing I'm grateful to Cohost for: I've seriously considered making my own website for two and a half years, though learning everything I needed to felt a bit daunting until now. I never meant to fall out of it so easily whenever I'd try to pick it up, but it happened all the same. Cohost got me more interested in HTML & CSS than ever before from the beginning. I think it would be hard not to have your interest slightly piqued upon seeing everyone's CSS crimes—from the more lightly coded button press jokes, to full-on recreations of memes, to intricate, interactive games like blackle's famous puzzle box.
Aside from inspiration at every corner, a lot of the earlier users I followed having an interest in coding or doing it for a living certainly helped make it feel more possible for me to learn. I absorbed a lot of information whenever they'd talk about it or share code snippets. While initially something that irked me about Cohost, it turned out the lack of formatting tools not only forced me to slow down when I used the site, but helped the basic HTML (and rare CSS) I was forced to use repeatedly soak in. All of this helped lead to my website today. While using a template since I was in a rush, there were still quite a bit of changes I made to get it functioning and looking more like how I wanted it to, and I really feel like I have my time on Cohost and what I learned hanging around on there to thank for that.
I mean, hell, here we are at the end. Two and a half years I thought about it only for Cohost to give me that one last push. As much as I wish it were under different circumstances, I'll be forever thankful for my Fourth Website, for both inspiring this step and nurturing my creativity as a whole, and encouraging in me a more mindful approach to the modern web.